Shut up, Allen.
I assure you, I have no idea what you're talking about.
I understand there was a bit of a mix-up with the whole scaffolding business.
The cucumber accents the water in such a way that...
Perhaps by way of apology, I can offer you my personal courtside seats
for the Knicks game, with access to the Ambassador Club.
Come on, Knicks! Come on! I got Knicks' fever and it's catching!
Hey. This feels weird sitting here. It feels like it's a bribe.
It is a bribe. Son-of-a-bitch, I saw courtside and I went blind.
Come on.
Call me!
- Excuse me. - That was a trick.
No more.
Gentlemen, you have a choice. Mamma Mia or Jersey Boys.
Fantastic! You're so unbelievable!
Damn it. He did it again.
- Excuse me. - No more tickets.
Mr. Ershon, I tried to keep them in the waiting room.
That's okay, Susan. Two Glacier waters with Mediterranean limes.
No, no, no. No more water. We're not here for that.
No, I was very much looking forward to having a water.
- How great is Jersey Boys? - It's not great. It's fantastic!
You totally undersold it. The pageantry, the costumes.
Wow, what a musical.
Hey. Get over here.
- What's wrong with you? - What?
That's not what we're here for.
We're gonna do good cop, bad cop. Okay?
It's the oldest game in the book for a reason, it works.
I come strong, then you come in.
- You got it? - Yeah.
- I come strong, then you come in. - Right. Got it.
Now you listen to me, you piece of shit.
It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart!
How did you cover your losses up? What drug cartel are you working with now?
- Okay, I'll talk to you, you're reasonable! - No, no, look at me!
You wanna talk to me? You wanna talk to me?
Allen, what are you doing? What are you doing? Allen!
I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!
Get away from me!
Where is he?
Look, I'm really sorry about that.
I saw how aggressive you were being, and I thought,
"Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that, since we're doing bad cop, bad cop."
What? No, I said, "Good cop, bad cop." I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.
Okay, then there it is. That's it. I thought you said, "Bad cop, bad cop."
Well, while you were going crazy, look what I snagged from his desk.
- Think it's his phone sheet. - Nice.
Seven calls to the lottery office.
That could be the evidence we need for Mauch.
- Get back. Colombian drug lords. - Where are you getting that from?
Jesus!
Can you imagine where you'd be in your career if you hadn't shot Jeter?
- We call this in, right? - Looks like we got all the evidence we need.
I'm sorry, my butterfly.
We'll load them up, send them back to go.
- Holy shit. - What?
What do you mean, what? Where are we?
We're in the high desert.
They took my shoes again, man! What the hell is it with taking shoes?
- They took your wooden gun? - Yeah.
- Hello? - Hello, Gene? I mean, Captain.
Captain, it's Allen Gamble.
Yeah, yeah. Where are you? What's going on?
Captain, it's a long story, but I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
We are in Las Vegas, all right?
We were kidnapped, put on a freight train, and shipped out here.
Let me just stop you right there. Don't bullshit me.
Captain, I am being straight with you.
Look, we think something's going on, okay?
We think Ershon is targeting the lottery to cover his losses.
Wait. How many times did I explicitly say to you, "Lay off Ershon"?
Terry, Captain wants to know
how many times has he asked us to lay off of Ershon.
Twice.
Twice. Terry says twice. I agree.
I'm hanging up. I'm done.
I gotta tell you, I started getting a hand for that, a taste for that Pai Gow.
Martin and Fosse, super cops, in three, two...
So, we busted that junkie. Got back 74 thou in diamonds. 74 thou.
Solved the Castien case.
$74,000? That's all they took?
There's millions of dollars of diamonds in that place.
How about this, Gamble? How about you shut your face?
All right? Just shut it.
Hoitz, Gamble, Captain's looking for you.
I know it's off the subject, but is Kevlar copyrighted?
- Captain? - Yeah.
- Is it a bad time? - No, come on. Come on.
- Not me, right? - Yeah, and you.
Fellows, I'm sure you're familiar with the venerable DA Radford.
He wanted to come down and pay us a visit.
Hello, gentlemen.
- Hello, sir. - Hey.
- You know, I was talking to Gene here. - He prefers "Captain."
Yes, I was talking to Gene here, and, you know, it's funny.
I don't know what you two have been up to,
but I've been getting calls from people I don't ever get calls from.
In 40 years of enforcing the law, I've learned one thing.
When that happens, stop.
- Gene, how's the family? - Good, good, Louis, thanks for asking.
- My son's bisexual, so... - Tremendous.
Gentlemen, do we understand each other?
- Cut the crap! - Will do.
Guy never comes down here.
Twenty years, I think I've seen that guy in this building one time.
- He's a heavyweight cat, that guy. - He was sitting right here.
Yeah. I think you missed the point. Anyway, look.
Blue and white found your firearms down by the Hudson River. Here you go, Terry.
You know what?
I'm gonna hang on to the wooden gun.
- To give me back my real gun? - No.
'Cause I'm gonna give you this.
It's a rape whistle. You blow that if you run into any trouble
and someone with an actual gun will come and help you out.
We were abducted, Captain! This shit is real! Ershon's dirty. He's targeting the lottery!
Next, I want you guys to hand in all the evidence you think you have to the SEC.
The financial district's under their jurisdiction.
Don't you get it? This case is talking to us!
I'm a peacock, Captain! You gotta let me fly on this one!
You know what, Terry? Let's just settle this. Peacocks don't fly.
- They fly, they fly a little bit. - Yeah, about as much as a penguin.
One more thing, do me a favor, don't go chasing waterfalls.
Was that accidental, or were you trying to quote TLC on purpose?
I don't even understand the reference.
- You don't understand what you said? - I don't know what that is.
Get out. Go.
How did they get that story?
I'm tired of being treated like a jerk for trying to do the right thing.
Hey, guys.
There's a proxy vote for a big reinvestment of the pension coming up,
- so if you just wanna come by the old... - Damn it, Bob!
Let me ask you something.
What do you even do around here besides interrupt people?
Well, I serve as treasurer to the union.
I make a wicked pot of decaf.
Exactly! You're a worthless piece of shit!
Probably right, Terry. That's why I feel so sad all the time.
I'm gonna go for a walk.
- Bob! - Say something.
Come on! Bob!
I didn't mean it, all right? I'm upset.
Actually, we don't do that here. This is an installation art piece.
- This coffee table? - Yes. We don't put drinks on it.
- Five hundred thousand? - He can read! Congratulations.
- What? - I'm sorry, are you in the right place?
Or not? I'm...
- Terry. - Does he... Okay.
- Well... - Sorry. Terry! What are you doing here?
- I want to be with you. - No, Terry, that's not gonna happen.
You know where you belong. On top of me in the Poconos.
Instead, you're here selling dirty coffee tables?
I mean, look at this. This is nonsense!
Terry, this is an original Haverfield-Jameson.
The chaos of the coffee table? It represents our fractured egos.
You think I don't know about this artsy-fartsy crap?
This coffee table isn't the ego. It represents our shattered sense of community
in the face of capitalist-driven isolation.
Looks like the work of Cindy Sherman or Frank Stella.
How did you know that, Terry?
I took some classes at RISD
so I could make fun of these lame artsy douches in my neighborhood.
- Terry, lower your voice! - I don't have to lower my voice.
- Is this man bothering you? - Are you actually having sex with this creep?
Terry, he's gay. Okay?
He's even wearing a T-shirt that says, "I'm gay"!
All right? And also, he is my boss.
Happy for you, man. Good.
Can you get out of here now? I'm talking to my lady.
Mr. Reger, everything is fine. Terry is actually leaving now.
Nice toot, sailor. Jesus.
Terry, what are you doing?
Look, I waited three years for you to be more than a cop, okay?
Just give me one more year.
Terry, you don't get another year. I'm done.
Fine.
- Terry, don't touch that! Terry! - Oh, my God!
I don't need this shit. I don't need you!
And when you call me, I'm not coming back!
- Oh, boy! Over the top! - How outré!
I'll burn this bitch down to the ground!
- Fresh! Energetic! - I love his rawness!
Stop critiquing me, okay? I'm a human being! I'm not a piece of art!
- Yes, you are. - Bravo!
I'm a peacock flying into a rainbow!
Yes! Yes!
These braised short ribs taste like a dog's asshole.
- Sweetie. - You know what, I'm sitting here thinking,
"Who in the world would slow roast a dog's asshole
"and serve it to their husband?"
- You would. - You are being awful. What's wrong?
- Captain took us off the case. - I'm sorry.
I told Terry about my dark days in college, and it brought up some feelings.
Well, honeydick, that was a long time ago. You're not that same person you were.
No, you don't get it. There is a darkness inside of me.
It wants to get out. It wants to walk around.
It wants some walking around money, and it wants to buy some shoes.
And it wants to walk up with the people and say, "Hey, Gator don't play no shit."
- You feel me? - Yeah.
Gator never been about that, never been about playing no shit.
- Sweetie, I'm sorry. - It's okay.
- I just... - Remember that night we met?
The attending physician told me, "We got a drugged-out pimp in the back."
And I went back there, and I pulled open that curtain,
and I saw you.
You were weak, scared,
ass up, inflamed, crying.
At that moment, I knew. "Hey, he's no pimp. Pimps don't cry."
Pimps don't cry
No, they don't
They don't shed a tear
Pimps don't cry
They never shed a tear
Come lay with me. Be safe, and let's make love. Come on.
Every time you say, "Be safe," it tears me apart.
You gotta let me be who I'm gonna be.
Allen, I'm pregnant.
Whose baby is that?
Who's the man who did that to you? Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!
I'm sorry. See, that's what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God.
You need to leave.
Get out! Get out, Allen! Get out!
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Come here when I have lady troubles, which means I come here about every night.
What are you doing here?
Sheila and I got into it tonight.
She threw me out.
Well, you're not a cop till your wife throws you out of the house, partner.
Does it bother you that the Castien robbers only took 74 grand in diamonds?
They're junkies. Who cares? I mean...
I don't know if a junkie can go down a 20-story zipline, though.
How you fellas doing?
We're about to have us a little screw party in this red Prius over here
if you wanna join us.
You're not going anywhere near that Prius, okay?
Here's what we're talking about. We're talking about a bunch of hobos
with fingers in each other's pooper
in a stranger's car with talk radio playing really loud.
It's gonna be a nice evening.
Well, we're not participating in that. We have no interest.
Let me rephrase it.
We got a jar of old mustard, and we got a poodle,
and we're just get in there and we're gonna put some D's in some A's.
Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the boys?
- How do you know who we are? - You left a note in that car.
- Police, shithead. - He's a copper. We gotta go. Come on!
Hey! Goose it, boys! They're cops!
Rub your dicks on the car as you're running away!
You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!
We are gonna have sex in your car! It will happen again!
I don't know where I'm gonna sleep tonight.
Fortunately, I know where you're gonna be drinking.
Jack of All Trades. Drinks on me. Come on.
- No, I already have a beer. - No, no, no, no.
I'm talking about doing some serious drinking.
Drinking with Terry Hoitz.
This sucks, man. Work our ass off on this case,
now we gotta hand over all of our evidence?
Yeah, it's not right.
Oh, my God, I'm hungover.
So, you guys are law enforcement?
Yeah, we're an independent government agency who,
along with the FBI and the Federal Reserve,
regulate the stock market and corporate fraud.
And the Federal Reserve is a prison?
No, basically, it's a held-for-profit bank that sets interest rates
and loans money to other banks.
- Is that a wastebasket? - Yeah, right there.
Thank you.
- You all right? - Holy hell!
I'm so sorry.
I got so drunk last night.
I think I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
Come on in, fellas.
You gotta be kidding me. You're Ershon's lawyer.
We're turning over our investigation to you?
Let me assure you there will be no conflict of interest
between me and David Ershon.
And if this were an actual investigation, I would immediately recuse myself.
This is all the evidence we have, and I truly hope you take this seriously.
Yes. Very much so.
From everything I've heard, I understand
you guys are the best at these types of investigations.
Outside of Enron and AIG
and Bernie Madoff,
WorldCom, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers.
Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Detective.
- Would you like a seat, or you're fine? - No, I'm good.
Okay. Let me just assure you fellas,
David Ershon is an upstanding citizen.
I am playing squash with him tonight at the club,
and we're having dinner.
You listen to me, you Windsor knot-wearing monkey,
you play squash with Ershon, right?
Your kids go to school with his? How would you know if he's clean or not?
I will take a look at your evidence,
and I will take a second look at the financials.
And when I come back and bust your ass,
we're locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!
He still doesn't understand the concept.
What are you doing?
We just handed all of our evidence over to the bad guy's lawyer!
Are you a big man, huh?
- I'm talking to you. - What?
You wake up in the morning, you say, "I'm putting on my big boy pants"?
"Look, I'm wearing a belt!
- "I've got big boy pants on!" - No!
You borrow a little jacket, you go?
You take your lunch 'cause you got big boy pants on?
You got your big boy pants and your snack?
I could say big, loud things!
I could be demonstrative!
- Stop! - We don't, we don't do this!
You're scaring the shit out of me, man! Stop it!
Is this how you conduct yourself? In a democracy?
What the hell are you doing, man?
I'm so tired of you getting angry and yelling all the time.
It's exhausting.
I feel like I'm partners with the Hulk.
You wanna know why I'm so angry all the time?
'Cause the more I try and do right, the more I screw things up.
We've got a possible jumper at 3 World Financial Center, 23rd floor.
All units, fire department, en route.
- SEC. - Beaman's office.
We have to go.
- But the Captain. - We have to go, Allen.
All units, I need a respondent. Possible jumper, 3 World Financial Center.
Shit. It's Beaman!
- He's gotta know something. - Wesley!
Detective Hoitz and Gamble. We got this.
I took an online class at University of Phoenix on negotiating.
I'm gonna need a priest and a bullhorn.
- I got no bullhorn. - Does anyone have a bullhorn?
- Bullhorn, anyone? - Truck.
Police business. I need to use your PA system.
Okay, let me turn it on.
Mr. Beaman? Mr. Don Beaman?
It's Wesley. I know Ershon's Wesley's...
Look, there's a lot to live for in this life.
A lot of great things, like soda pop, big fresh can of soda pop.
They do not care!
Give me this. I know how to talk to him.
Listen, we all know you're a scumbag, and nobody cares about you.
Rotten piece of shit.
That's worse than what I was saying.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Don.
People down here are starting to murmur that you don't have the balls to do it.
- I don't care! - Yeah.
I say you can do it.
I mean, I don't want you to jump. I'm just saying you have the capability.
Look, he's flying!
Stop that.
Half empty bottle of gin. Chair knocked over.
Look at this, it's a clear sign of a struggle. Make sure you get this, all right?
Detectives, all your work's done here. You can go.
What about Ershon targeting the lottery?
You know why Ershon was calling down to the lottery offices all those times?
Because he was hooking up with the Powerball girl,
the one on TV with all the numbered balls.
Yeah. She filed a restraining order on him last week.
It was right there in front of you the whole time.
- Can't be. - You guys are getting transferred.
- What? - Traffic.
Yeah, that's right.
You, you're gonna walk a beat downtown. You're gonna walk a beat downtown.
- It's done. No, no. It's done. - Captain, what are you talking about?
- Save yourselves some gas. - Captain!
Is there an appeal process we can...
Had to do what you had to do, Captain.
Wow! That hurt.
- Excuse me. Where's my car? - They towed it.
Couple of homeless people were messing around in it.
- That's an official police car. - Could have fooled me.
Wow, Mauch was upset, huh?
Really?
The only thing I had to be proud of in my life was being a detective.
That was all I had. Now it's gone.
I know. I know. You still got me.
Don't you get it? I don't want you, Allen, okay? I never did.
I told you that scaffolding violation was dogshit.
I can't believe you still doubt me after everything we've seen.
It's a real case, and I'm a real cop. We just got the wrong target for Ershon.
- You carry a rape whistle. - This is real cop work.
There is nothing about you that makes a man a man, okay?
You got no gun, no car, no wife, and now you got no partner.
Leave me alone.
A mutt case.
Terry, I am a cop, for your information, okay?
A broken partnership.
I'm a cop!
And getting busted down to a shitty assignment.
Allen and Terry hit the trifecta.
But sometimes when you get your ass kicked,
that's when you find out what's real...
... and what needs doing.
Whether it's directing traffic...
Come on!
... or cracking a multibillion dollar fraud.
- Do you work here? - Yeah, I do.
The wrecking ball that crashed into Castien down there.
They also did damage to your office?
Some police officers came by and sealed it off.
Do you recall what they looked like?
One of them had an Australian accent.
You don't happen to do any business for the state lottery, do you?
No. Our main client is Lendl Global.
Can I ask what this is about?
Gator needs his gat, you punkass bitch!
'Cause that's what a real cop is.
No, I didn't say "Lock her up." I never said, "Lock her up."
A guy who does what needs to be done.
A guy who knows how to use his dark side for good.
And then you move to Florida.
One, two, three, attack!
Terry, it's me.
- Tap out. Tap out. - It's me, Allen.
Are you tapping out, or are you hitting me in the face?
I'm tapping out!
You crazy? What are you doing, man?
- They might be watching us. - Could've killed you.
- Turn out the lights. - What?
- They could be watching us. - Who?
I found some big information, okay?
- About what? - Some scary shit, Terry. This is big.
How'd you get in here? This place is foolproof.
- We can't be too careful. - What are you talking about?
- This place might be bugged. - There's no bugs in here.
First off, I missed you.
- What's going on? - Did you hear what I said?
- Fine, I kind of missed you, too. - Thank you.
Okay. I found out whose losses Ershon has to cover.
- It's Lendl Global. - What?
Lendl staged the Castien robbery as a distraction
so they could break into their own accounting firm next door.
They then altered all the records to cover the losses
that Ershon had cost them through all of his bad investments.
You're not supposed to be doing this. You're supposed to be walking the beat.
I know. Pretty tricky, though, huh?
This is bad, Allen. This is bad.
No wonder the captain wanted us to stay out of this.
Yeah, I bet Beaman started asking questions.
- That's why they killed him. - Man.
Here's the other thing.
Tomorrow, there's a massive business deal going down.
Ershon's leading it.
I still can't figure out who the poor sucker is they're making the deal with,
but we gotta stop it.
It's time to let the peacock fly.
I'm not going, Allen. I like what I do.
So do I. We're cops.
No. I like what I do now. I like working traffic. It's a great gig.
What?
I like working traffic. I'm not going with you.
What is this traffic bullshit?
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about my life.
The corner I run on 54th and 3rd Avenue? It hums.
It's Terry's intersection. And the traffic guys? They're good guys.
There's this one guy, Phillip? He can pee in the urinal from 20 feet.
You've gotta see it, Allen. You've got to.
What happened to you? What happened to this being our time?
No way, Allen. I'm out. I'm done.
- Get in the car. - Come on, Allen. We both know it's wooden.
- Apartment pop. Now get in the car. - You're not gonna shoot me.
Okay, I'll be honest. This is only the second time I've ever fired this.
So stop pointing it at me.
Look, tomorrow morning, all I know is I'm going to Mauch, all right?
For what? He doesn't care.
He's been dodging this case for too long and I want answers.
I want him to look me in the eye and tell me why.
Turn on the news, man. Nobody cares.
I hope I'm not alone.
Hope you bring it.
We got a big day out there. Big one.
We got a full moon. People are gonna be amped, all right?
Let's see what we got on hot tips, all right?
The new bathmats are in.
One more thing. We got a serial rapist in Crown Heights.
Jeez, I'm sorry. That's from my other job. Ignore that. Forget that.
Well, don't ignore it.
If you live in Crown Heights, you know, walk in pairs.
Gene Mauch to kitchen accessories. Gene Mauch to kitchen accessories.
I gotta go. Go get 'em. Let's be careful out there.
The oak.
I like to keep the oak together and the maple separately, okay?
And these chopping boards?
Hey, Captain.
Hey, Allen. Hey, how you doing?
What are you doing here? Are you here for the bathmats?
- I need you to be straight with me. - Straight with us.
Hey, Terry. Look at this.
- I thought you were working traffic today. - Let them block the box.
- Besides, partners' code, right? - Thanks.
Hey, why have you worked your ass off trying to kill this case?
All right, fine. I'm gonna tell you guys something.
You really went into deep water on this one. You really went in deep.
Ershon's connected to all the higher ups,
and I gotta save what little ass I have left, okay?
You keep hiding from shit in the world,
and eventually the world comes to your front door.
- Nice. - That's very nice.
I heard it in an episode of Touched By An Angel.
You keep this thing real quiet, and you make sure you have real evidence,
and maybe I'll see what I can do.
But if you make a lot of noise
and you attract the media attention, and you bring the DA in on this,
I am out, okay?
Yeah, we'll go in there like church mice.
But there's one case, one case in a career where you go all in.
This is it.
All right. Then you do us proud.
'Cause I don't want no scrubs.
- Really? - No.
- You're not aware that's a TLC song? - I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Second time. - You said chasing waterfalls,
now you're saying you don't want no scrubs.
- I don't even understand the reference. - It's like a tic.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Remember, this thing gets messy, we never talked.
- You can trust us. - Real quiet.
You gotta creep. Creep.
Come on.
You don't say "Creep-creep" unless you're quoting TLC.
Hey, guys.
You know Danson and Highsmith were not good cops, right?
Yeah, I guess we kind of knew that, but it's a drag.
I mean, at a certain point, who's left to be a hero?
Not to be corny, maybe it's you guys.
You ready?
- Yeah. - Let's go.
- No, but the highlights are great. - Thank you.
- Sexy but serious. - Thank you.
Excuse me.
Who the hell are all these people? I was only expecting one man.
You know, they're just some people I owe money to who wanted to be here.
Who are they?
Well, they are some Chechen patriots, entrepreneurs.
And the black chaps are some businessmen from Nigeria.
You owe money to the Nigerians and Chechens?
Yes. Yes, I do.
- You're a piece of work. - Thank you.
Probably best to get started.
This is good, baby. We're in the game, we know the score.
The only thing that bugs me is we still don't know who Ershon's targeting.
- Is it the lotto? Who is it? - Who cares? Some rich prick.
I have to tell you, I am tremendously excited by this deal.
And I can assure you that every dime of your money
will be invested with the utmost diligence.
Your rates of return are really exciting.
We think our members are gonna be just thrilled.
Yeah. I mean, we've averaged, like, 18% over the last 10 years.
All right. Quiet as a church mouse, in and out.
I can feel that tingling in my balls you were talking about.
Beautiful.
All right, listen up.
I am Detective Gamble. This is Detective Hoitz.
We need your cooperation.
David Ershon.
You're under arrest for fraud, embezzlement,
and in connection to the murder of Don Beaman.
This is a bad idea.
Hey, guys.
Bob? What are you doing here?
I'm investing.
Do you remember we talked about that proxy vote a while back?
- This is what it was for. - Holy shit.
It's a more aggressive investment strategy for the pension.
Allen! We're the suckers. They're targeting the police pension fund.
Gentlemen, you're here illegally and without a warrant.
We are within our rights to take action.
So much for quiet as church mice!
Go!
Who the hell are those guys?
Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed view tickets for Rock of Ages.
Even I admit that's not very tempting, but I'm not made of tickets, God damn it!
- Get in the front! - How do you start this freaking thing?
Go on! Go!
- Shit! - Go!
Oh, my...
Jeanie! Get over here! You, go get the bloody car!
Hold the wheel!
- Open the back! - I got it. I got it!
They're gonna kill me. And then they will kill you.
- Well, I'm gonna kill you first! - And then they will kill me.
We have two rogue police officers. They are armed and dangerous,
- and holding David Ershon hostage. - Stupid pricks!
- It's us, we're good guys! - Exactly. They're the good guys.
Where do we go? Where do we go?
I have a small apartment. No one knows about it.
I use it mainly for my parents and prostitutes.
Not at the same time. That would be wrong.
Let's hear it from the top, every detail.
I think the best way to tell the story is by starting at the end, briefly,
then going back to the beginning, and then periodically returning to the end,
maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout.
Just to give it a bit of dynamism, otherwise, it's just sort of a linear story.
Just tell us what happened.
I lost a bunch of money from some people and now they want it back.
What about Don Beaman?
Beaman knew that I had falsified my financials,
so they sent down Wesley to try and keep him quiet.
He forced him at gunpoint to drink a bunch of gin
and then forced him onto the ledge.
It was only a matter of time before he fell.
At least we stopped you from getting the pension fund.
Well, but, yeah, but you didn't. It's already in my account.
By 9:00 in the morning, it goes into the Lendl equity fund
and from there it's transferred to a dozen offshore accounts.
By 9:01, it's gone.
- Well, what if we stop the transfer? - But you can't. I mean, there's a...
What if we stop the transfer?
You'd have to be at Endemic Bank for 9:00 exactly,
find the clerk, get the routing number.
We gotta stop it.
There's no way.
Every cop, the crazy Australian and his crew, they'll all be after us.
You could let me go, and I'll give you $10 million each.
- It's not a bribe. - Of course it's a bribe.
You're offering to pay us money to not do our job.
It's not a bribe.
We hang low here tonight. Nobody knows about this place.
We'll be safe. And tomorrow, we hit it.
First things first, I gotta go see Sheila.
No way, it's too dangerous.
Look, Terry, we don't know what's gonna happen to us tomorrow,
but tonight, I need to make things right with Sheila.
All right, go. Go. Be careful.
Thanks, I will.
Will you say hi to Sheila for me?
- Okay. - Okay.
Tell her. Say Terry was asking about you.
He wants to make sure you know
that he'll be there for you if anything happens.
- Yeah. - Drop of a hat, I'm there.
Look, it's starting to get a little weird, man.
If something happens to you, I need to be there to take care of her.
All of her wants, her needs, and desires are now my responsibility.
Why do you say it like it's a predetermined thing?
Just go, man.
Okay. Thanks.
Go.
Janeco Gallery.
Francine, it's Terry. Please don't hang up.
Please pick up.
Hello.
Hey, sweetie. I was praying you'd be at your mom's house.
You know what, I can't talk anymore. I think the phone's being tapped.
Baby, where are you? I wanna see you.
I'm near the place where we did it three Halloweens ago.
Do you remember?
Okay, yeah, I got it.
I'm just warning you, though. Watch out. I think they're watching the house.
Don't worry, sweetie. I think I have a way of talking to you.
I have to admit, I wasn't gonna come. I mean...
After all those years, after the restraining order.
I was worried I might not see you again.
There's some very dangerous people after him,
and now they're after us.
It's just the old lady.
Hello, Allen.
Hello, Mama Ramos. What are you doing out here?
Sheila said she doesn't know what happened and she wants you back.
- She also says... - Yes.
...she wants you on top of her, holding her hair,
and riding her like a bucking bronco
while she sucks your thumb and says, "Mommy likey."
You, you tell your daughter...
He said he'll always love you.
And he's so happy that you're having his child.
Allen.
He also says that
he wants you to stare into each other's eyes without blinking while you do it.
- I love when we do that, Mom. - And then afterward,
lick the sex off each other.
I don't wanna do this.
- You say things that are too personal. - Okay, but just one more thing.
She said she loves you,
and wants to hold your hand and have iced tea with you.
Come on. That's not all she said.
No.
- She says other things, but I don't want... - Please, please, please.
You don't realize, I may be killed tomorrow.
Okay.
She says she wants to unplug all the clocks and the phones
- and have a three-day F marathon. - That's more like it. Yeah.
She wants to walk wrong for a week because you guys F'd so hard.
That's just lovely.
No more! He says things I can't say.
It involves a mannequin hand and an electric shaver taped to a golf club.
Now what'd she say?
She says she loves you.
I'm so sorry about everything.
And I just had to come here tonight to tell you that I love you.
And the reason why I act like you're a plain wife is that
I'm afraid that if I admit to how stunning
and intelligent and wonderful you are,
- I'd just lose you. - Shut up, Allen. I love you.
We have a place that's safe. All right.
I'm gonna break your hip.
I'm about to do you grandpa-style.
I brought some music.
Not what I would've chosen, but screw it.
All right. Let's go, Monday morning, time to go to work.
Let's do it.
- You want my gate code? - Shut up, man!
That's Wesley!
Yes!
- Where'd you learn to drive like that? - Grand Theft Auto!
Shit, Allen, they're coming.
- Oh, my God! - Shit.
- Do something, Allen! - Hold on, hold on.
Someone's been playing Grand Theft Auto.
I did that!
- I did that! - Oh, my God!
- That's what I'm talking about! - We jackknifed them!
Did you see that? It went backwards and then turned upside-down.
Gator turns vans upside-down like they're in a crazy washing machine!
Why are you calling yourself Gator?
It's a nickname I had in college. I used to run a dating service.
- He was a pimp. - Yeah, I was. I was a pimp.
Is it me or does it smell like deer vagina in here?
My poor car.
Right now the streets are a bloodbath.
And, statistically speaking, there's about 30 kids in here,
10 of you are gonna be dead before your next birthday.
Got a couple of tips, help you guys stay out of jail.
One, try your hardest to not be black or Hispanic.
- It's a good tip. - Yeah. Two...
Gentlemen, we got a hot one.
Hoitz and Gamble have Ershon hostage, high-speed car chase in progress.
Yes! Gun, gun!
Pass up the guns. Pass them up. Let's go, people.
There we go. Anything, any Tasers? No?
Good. Who wants to go on a ride-along?
I do!
All right, you, sweetie. Come on, let's go. Move.
- Move! Let's go. - Come on!
Cool, a helicopter! Must be covering the high-speed chase.
Jesus!
- Who are those guys? - They're Chechen investors.
We were gonna do a Chechen version of Dora the Explorer.
Anyway, it went terribly wrong.
I feel like it's not fair that they have a helicopter!
Oh, no.
Damn it.
Watch your head. God, your hair is soft.
VO5 Hot Oil.
You're gonna wreck! There's cars coming from both directions!
I'm not gonna wreck!
- I'm gonna wreck! You're right! - You want me to drive?
- This was a very clever idea. - Yeah.
They're gone.
Let's go.
They are Nigerians. Yeah, I'd forgotten about them.
- This is a shortcut. - Are you kidding me?
You cannot go down there.
What are you doing?
Hit him!
- Where are we? - Chelsea Pier.
What the hell?
Jesus!
Them having a helicopter is definitely cheating.
Go!
Come on!
We're cops! Hit the chopper!
This is Martin and Fosse, en route. Back off! This is our collar!
Set up a perimeter. No arrests until we get there!
Take the light!
Do not authorize that transfer.
This is David Ershon. The transfer is for him.
He will tell you not to authorize it, okay? Tell him.
- Tell him! - Yeah, do as they say. Stop the transfer.
Approve it.
Now.
Do not touch anything!
I swear to God I'll blow your head all over this desk.
Not a person in this room believes you'll shoot this clerk.
Yeah?
Thank you so much, gentlemen, for the prompt delivery of Mr. Ershon.
I have two competing bids from jilted investors.
They're at 30 million, and holding.
- Wait! Can't you let me... - Take him away.
But computers.
What if, one day, they were in charge?
Now if you don't shut up, I will cut your ear off with a butter knife.
That's blunt. Blunt's worse than if it's sharp.
Now!
You just stood there!
I didn't know that "now" meant that. How am I supposed to know that?
- I knew what that meant. - Shut up.
You kill us and you kill Ershon. You're out 30 million dollars.
- Who's got the golden goose now, huh? - Yeah.
Shit!
He's still valuable with a bullet wound, mate.
He immediately called your bluff.
Get up. And kill the police.
I just wanna make sure I get it right.
Did you want this transfer approved or not approved?
You, mate, I'm gonna kill just for fun.
Police, don't move! Drop your weapons!
Drop it, or be dropped, homeboy!
I hope you like the taste of prison food and penis.
- Police! Down on the ground! - Let me see your hands!
- Hey, hey, you okay? - Hey.
Hey, Gene. Captain. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - That's okay. Don't worry about it.
You can call me Gene when we're not in the office.
Okay. Thanks for coming by.
Attaboy.
Come on, stay with me. Stay with me.
We're losing him! We're losing him! He's dying!
No. No, no, no, no. I'm just resting. I'm just resting. I was just resting.
I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
- Are you all right? - Just resting.
Hey, let me tell you something.
As far as paperwork goes, we'll take care of it.
- You know why? - Why?
Ain't too proud to beg.
Come on.
- What? - It's not funny anymore.
- I don't know what you're talking about. - TLC references.
Still nothing. I swear to you.
I'm gonna go over and check on Terry. I got a bad knee. Hold on. There you go.
It was the king of the mutt cases,
but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars.
Within 24 hours of learning about Ershon's scheme
and Lendl's massive losses,
the government issued TARP funds to bail out Lendl.
Lendl is in everything, and we're gonna go everywhere...
They were too big to fail.
Ershon now resides in Palomino Federal Correctional Facility in Florida.
He still invests. Currency's just different.
Roger Wesley was linked to the Beaman murder
by security cam footage which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked.
It only showed the back of their heads.
But Allen's Faceback app was able to get a match to their faces.
Terry married Francine.
He played harp at the reception and it was beautiful.
He had learned how to play it in the eighth grade
to make fun of the fairy that lived up the street.
Terry asked Sheila to be his best man, but she declined.
Let's be honest, we all wanna be superstars and hotshots.
But guess what?
The people that do the real work, the ones that make the difference,
you don't see them on TV or on the front page.
I'm talking about the day-in, day-outers, the grinders.
Come on, man, you know who I'm talking about: The other guys.
- See? That's a no-go. - Hey, hey.
You think you broke this Ershon case open?
You did nothing.
Corporate lobbyists are spending millions
to make sure guys like Ershon keep doing what they do.
Derek Jeter?
Yeah, it's me. You were set up that night you shot me, Terry.
- I told you! - They knew by putting someone like you
with a quick trigger finger next to that door where I do my pre-game walk,
it'd end up bad. Bad for both of us.
Now, I've been doing my own investigation on the banking industry,
and I was close. I was real close.
So I forgive you, Terry.
I appreciate that, man. I'm sorry about what happened.
I'm glad you're doing better.
The whole damn system is clogged up with dirty money.
And the news doesn't say a word about it. 'Cause who owns them?
The same corporations that own the government.
Courts and the law is all we have left.
So here's you guys' next case.
Guy by the name of Carl Bachand, CEO of Killister Bank.
He took three billion in TARP funds. He's crooked. He's real crooked.
Take him down, but be careful. He's got Blackwater mercenaries 24l7.
Thanks, Derek.
Hey, Derek! Wait! What if we need to get in touch with you,
get some more information or some tickets or something?
What just happened?
Goldman Sachs. This case is gonna be nasty.
Hi. Cute glasses.
- What was that? - What?
What? Dude, what is it with you and hot ladies? What's your secret?
Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Tell me who you lost your virginity to.
She actually became a TV actress. Heather Locklear.
Heather Locklear, what?
- You've heard of her? - Come on!
- She was much chubbier back then. - I don't get it. I really, I don't get it.
That was you. You don't have a sense of humor.
I do... I have a wonderful sense of humor.
If you say something funny, I'll laugh.
- All right, I'm gonna tell you a great joke. - Please. I love jokes.
All right. Little boy on his 13th birthday.
- It's time to get laid. - Already feels inappropriate.
So he goes to the lady at the whorehouse, he goes, " Miss,
"look, I know usually you want money, but I don't have any money and it's my birthday.
"Do you think I could have sex with you for this duck?"
- Was he a farmer? - No.
That's probably a Health Code violation, bringing a duck into a place of prostitution.
They weren't gonna have sex with the duck!
No, I just mean Health Code violation
to have the duck brought into a facility like that.
So, anyway, she says, "Yes, I'll do it."
So he goes in there, gives it to her.
- He gives her what? - The high, hard one! She loves it.
She goes, " You know what? If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back."
- It's like getting laid twice for free. - So... I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- The duck is payment for sexual intercourse. - Yes. Yes.
- Very good. - He used the duck as payment,
and now he's being paid back the duck.
He goes, " Oh, my God, this is the greatest birthday ever." He does it again.
- Now he's walking home, right? Walking... - So she was satisfied with duck.
- With a duck as currency... - Yes.
...to her. Great. Good.
So he's walking home, now he can't wait to get home to tell his father. Right?
He's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, voom,
truck comes by and runs over his duck.
- Kills the duck? - Killed the duck.
- So the duck is now dead. - The duck is dead.
The kid starts crying, truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean...
Of course he's crying! He's a 13-year-old boy who's just had sex, twice,
- and he watched his beloved duck die. - Will you shut up and let me tell the story?
So far, I don't know how this is ever gonna be funny.
The guy feels so bad about killing the duck, he gives him two dollars.
And the kid's happy with the two bucks?
He's ecstatic! He got laid twice, and now he's got two dollars on top of it.
Seems like a duck would be worth a lot more than two dollars.
This was a while back. You what I'm...
So he goes home, his dad goes, "What happened? What happened?
"Tell me! Tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck,
"I got a duck for the fuck,
"and I got two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"
So it's like a limerick.
You didn't think that was funny?
I thought it was entertaining at the end, sure,
the way all the words were put together,
but in terms of content?
No.
Get the check-check from Shen-Shen. Let's get out of here.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
And cut.